Painful Pleasure

by ~zimDAR (My deviantART account)

This room is cold and dark. The air is icy, as if someone has the air conditioner on cold and is trying to simulate the conditions in Antarctica. There is a small crack in the blinds, from which the silver moonlight is pouring in. Realisation rushes over me, I just lost it, and as I sit here breathing deeply on the edge of this bed, I think back to what might have made me come to this decision.
Was it the way she walked, or the tone that she first spoke to me in, her soft lips, perfectly shaping the few words that she said to me that day, the day I fell in love.

Her curly brown hair shined in the light as she walked up to me and my mate, Oliver. She looked like one of those perfect girls in a shampoo ad. I couldn't believe how she could be real.
She stopped right in front of us, and asked us, in a voice like an angle, "Are you in English A?"
Oliver and I were speechless, I just nodded. It was a stupid thing to do; I know I should have said something. But I couldn't. I just couldn't. She smiled at me, which made my heart skip a beat or two. "Well, see you inside then." She walked into the classroom. And that was it, I was hooked on her.
I guess over the next few months, as I got to know her, I would have killed to do what I have just done with her. I would have killed.

We would talk every day, small things, unimportant things. But at least it was something. I would look into her face lovingly, her cheeks would shine and I would secretly count the cute, brown freckles that were evenly sown across her cheeks and nose. She would laugh the cutest laugh. Time seemed to stop when she did. I would watch her desperately, from the other side of the classroom, wanting to be a part of it all, wanting to be something important in her life.

She wasn't popular, she didn't care about how many friends she had, she cared more for the quality of them. If she didn't like someone, she'd let them know. It wasn't like she was being mean, she just didn't want to have people like them in her close circle of friends. It's understandable; she probably knew that they were bitches, or bogans. Everyone did. But this created enemies for her and rumours. Oh I heard terrible things about her. I remember one day, after she had heard one, she came into English A crying. Her two best friends were away that day, so she sat alone, silently crying into the cold, brick wall, next to the window, its light catching on her tears, making them shine like pearls.
That was the day I took my chance, I walked over to her and sat down next to her. I looked into her eyes and told her that I didn't believe any of the rumours and that I thought she was perfect. She hugged me and cried onto my shoulder.

We started dating a few weeks later, we understood each other, school became amazing, in the mornings we would kiss in front of the school gates for a long time, sometimes I'd even be late for class.
People had stopped calling me gay; they saw how much I was in love with her. But soon we were pressured to do something that I was totally not ready for.

I talked about it with her, and it appeared that we had different views on the matter. She told me that some of the rumours about her were true, not that she was a slut but that she had slept with a boy before. Multiple boys. I guess I shouldn't have been so blind. Even Oliver pointed it out. She was a slut. But I didn't want to see it, I couldn't see it. And it drove me crazy. Once I even caught myself thinking what if the other rumours a true too? I never mentioned it to her, I mean, why would I? Who would?

Each day was harder. Each day we were pressured into it, into sex. By her friends, my bitch of a sister, by older students and even fellow class mates who had no business with the matter. In fact, at one point I was even pressured by her, my girlfriend. WHY?

During these weeks of torcher I became crabby and hateful, and sick of everyone and everything.
I'd had enough. Oliver had a girlfriend and even they had done it, they had had sex. Oliver! The biggest nerd on the planet! One day, a week ago in fact, I remember I was sitting in the lighting room in the hall, eating lunch with Oliver, he was telling me about his new girl, Abby. He said something that made me leap; he said; it was like painful pleasure. Not that sex was magical or amazing or special, he said it was painful pleasure. Oh how I would have loved that. After weeks of feeling like shit, something painful but enjoyable was just what I needed.

So that afternoon I booked a cheap, dirty motel room for me and her, my girlfriend, for in exactly a week's time.

When I walked into the motel room, this afternoon, I saw her sitting there, waiting for me, like a spider waiting for her lunch, ready to set a trap. I opened my mouth and tried to say "Hi." But nothing came out and my mouth was too dry. She got up and put her index finger on my lips and said softly, in her angel-like voice, "Shh. Don't talk." She slowly began to take my clothes off, first my shirt, carefully slipping it over my head. Only when I had everything off, was when she took her clothes off. She looked me up and down and seemed to approve.

I am now back to where I started, sitting here on the cold, creaky bed. She left straight after, but not before consuming the whole contents of the mini bar, which I now have to pay for, with my money. MY MONEY! The money that I wasted on her, on us and everyone else, who shared their opinion, everyone else in this god forsaken, judgemental world!

I don't think I'll ever talk to her again. She seemed angry, but I don't care. I'm sick of caring, because now I did it, I have just lost it. My virginity.

I don't feel any better. I feel dirty. I feel cheated. Although, the sex was good, I made sure it was painful. For both of us. Painful but good. Painful pleasure.