The sunshine feels warm on my skin,
The bird sings her happy song,
There’s a cool breeze,
Its days like these that make you want to stay in winter forever,
Because nothing will ever change,
But you stop appreciating the things you once cherished,
The love for it withers and dies,
And suddenly there’s no laughter anymore,
There’s nothing,
Not one thing,
And you’re not even prepared for it,
And you can’t face it,
And it’s eating you up inside,
Deep inside,
It surfaces in those long minutes before you fall asleep at night,
Every night,
And once you decide what you’re going to do,
That action plan,
Your ticket out of it all,
You suddenly realise,
Is it all worth it, just so you can feel at peace with yourself?
Because if you let them, your friends will forget you.
----- ---- --- -- -
I had that moment of realisation today, in class actually. And it saddens me that it's true. It's really true.
I'm now sitting alone in Food Technology. The table's full, they've let another girl take my place (that or she thinks she gets to the seat first).
The saddest thing about this all it that not one of my old friends care, they just let this all pass. My alienating myself from them, sitting along, going through moments when i'm about to cry.
Sorry, I wollow a lot in self pitty.
Enought about that.
I don't really know how to blog.

The Lonely Girl

by ~zimDAR (My deviantART account)

As the girl walks down the street
she sees people passing by looking at her,
They don't know, they have no idea what she's going through,
She spits on the ground in disgust, they stare at her
eyes like poison darts,
"Go away!" she screams at them.
The girl soon realizes it just brings more poison darts towards her,
Helpless, she drops to the ground,
"I'm going crazy!" She shouts,
"I'm going crazy." She says once again, but this time in a whisper,
"It's not fair. It's not fair."
As the days go by less and less people are looking,
trying to avoid her horrid stare,
For now her eyes are like poison darts, burning into the souls of those who see,
And her beauty is lost forever; her twisted mind has taken over,
Loneliness is what did it, the sheer agony of wanting something you think you need,

Love.

The girl sat there for days on end,
waiting for that one single person,
The person to make her life all right, to make all the suffering just… Disappear,
But no such person came,
No one would want to love a crazy person,
everyone thinks she's mad,
But oh if they knew, that the best feeling in the world was also the worst,
The feeling that made this poor young girl go completely mad,
Oh but if they knew,
The feeling is worth more than all the gold in the world,
all the presents on your birthday, all the fish in the sea,
It's worth more than life its self,
But it's hard to get,
too hard to obtain,
all those fishes in the ocean and only one is for you,
Perhaps the girl knew this only too well,
That her chances of being happy and finding this feeling was slim,
Sure she had crushes but was it ever enough?
The horrid feeling that they'd never love you back,
that all the time you waist liking them was for nothing,
She stumbled up to an old policeman on patrol;
she looked at the gun in his pocket,
Is this the answer? She asked herself,
The girl reached for the gun but was pushed backwards,
onto the ground,
She closed her eyes tightly; she could feel the old policeman's presence over her,
"Just kill me now, please." She pleaded.

I am too, I must confess, afraid of this feeling ever taking hold of me,
I'm afraid of becoming that girl,
sick of wishing for love and knowing that it'll never come to you,
We all wish for that one person,
who will love you for all that you are,
keep you warm at night and call you beautiful when you are feeling sad,
But even when we love someone we never tell them,
The girl always waits for the guy to speak,
afraid that if she did herself then she would be rejected,
Forever filled with shame of saying what she felt.

Painful Pleasure

by ~zimDAR (My deviantART account)

This room is cold and dark. The air is icy, as if someone has the air conditioner on cold and is trying to simulate the conditions in Antarctica. There is a small crack in the blinds, from which the silver moonlight is pouring in. Realisation rushes over me, I just lost it, and as I sit here breathing deeply on the edge of this bed, I think back to what might have made me come to this decision.
Was it the way she walked, or the tone that she first spoke to me in, her soft lips, perfectly shaping the few words that she said to me that day, the day I fell in love.

Her curly brown hair shined in the light as she walked up to me and my mate, Oliver. She looked like one of those perfect girls in a shampoo ad. I couldn't believe how she could be real.
She stopped right in front of us, and asked us, in a voice like an angle, "Are you in English A?"
Oliver and I were speechless, I just nodded. It was a stupid thing to do; I know I should have said something. But I couldn't. I just couldn't. She smiled at me, which made my heart skip a beat or two. "Well, see you inside then." She walked into the classroom. And that was it, I was hooked on her.
I guess over the next few months, as I got to know her, I would have killed to do what I have just done with her. I would have killed.

We would talk every day, small things, unimportant things. But at least it was something. I would look into her face lovingly, her cheeks would shine and I would secretly count the cute, brown freckles that were evenly sown across her cheeks and nose. She would laugh the cutest laugh. Time seemed to stop when she did. I would watch her desperately, from the other side of the classroom, wanting to be a part of it all, wanting to be something important in her life.

She wasn't popular, she didn't care about how many friends she had, she cared more for the quality of them. If she didn't like someone, she'd let them know. It wasn't like she was being mean, she just didn't want to have people like them in her close circle of friends. It's understandable; she probably knew that they were bitches, or bogans. Everyone did. But this created enemies for her and rumours. Oh I heard terrible things about her. I remember one day, after she had heard one, she came into English A crying. Her two best friends were away that day, so she sat alone, silently crying into the cold, brick wall, next to the window, its light catching on her tears, making them shine like pearls.
That was the day I took my chance, I walked over to her and sat down next to her. I looked into her eyes and told her that I didn't believe any of the rumours and that I thought she was perfect. She hugged me and cried onto my shoulder.

We started dating a few weeks later, we understood each other, school became amazing, in the mornings we would kiss in front of the school gates for a long time, sometimes I'd even be late for class.
People had stopped calling me gay; they saw how much I was in love with her. But soon we were pressured to do something that I was totally not ready for.

I talked about it with her, and it appeared that we had different views on the matter. She told me that some of the rumours about her were true, not that she was a slut but that she had slept with a boy before. Multiple boys. I guess I shouldn't have been so blind. Even Oliver pointed it out. She was a slut. But I didn't want to see it, I couldn't see it. And it drove me crazy. Once I even caught myself thinking what if the other rumours a true too? I never mentioned it to her, I mean, why would I? Who would?

Each day was harder. Each day we were pressured into it, into sex. By her friends, my bitch of a sister, by older students and even fellow class mates who had no business with the matter. In fact, at one point I was even pressured by her, my girlfriend. WHY?

During these weeks of torcher I became crabby and hateful, and sick of everyone and everything.
I'd had enough. Oliver had a girlfriend and even they had done it, they had had sex. Oliver! The biggest nerd on the planet! One day, a week ago in fact, I remember I was sitting in the lighting room in the hall, eating lunch with Oliver, he was telling me about his new girl, Abby. He said something that made me leap; he said; it was like painful pleasure. Not that sex was magical or amazing or special, he said it was painful pleasure. Oh how I would have loved that. After weeks of feeling like shit, something painful but enjoyable was just what I needed.

So that afternoon I booked a cheap, dirty motel room for me and her, my girlfriend, for in exactly a week's time.

When I walked into the motel room, this afternoon, I saw her sitting there, waiting for me, like a spider waiting for her lunch, ready to set a trap. I opened my mouth and tried to say "Hi." But nothing came out and my mouth was too dry. She got up and put her index finger on my lips and said softly, in her angel-like voice, "Shh. Don't talk." She slowly began to take my clothes off, first my shirt, carefully slipping it over my head. Only when I had everything off, was when she took her clothes off. She looked me up and down and seemed to approve.

I am now back to where I started, sitting here on the cold, creaky bed. She left straight after, but not before consuming the whole contents of the mini bar, which I now have to pay for, with my money. MY MONEY! The money that I wasted on her, on us and everyone else, who shared their opinion, everyone else in this god forsaken, judgemental world!

I don't think I'll ever talk to her again. She seemed angry, but I don't care. I'm sick of caring, because now I did it, I have just lost it. My virginity.

I don't feel any better. I feel dirty. I feel cheated. Although, the sex was good, I made sure it was painful. For both of us. Painful but good. Painful pleasure.

School

School,
Necessary, Painful,
The worst time in your life,
It 'prepares you for real life',
In real life people don't treat you like crap,
You have 'mature' friends,
Real relationships,
You’re alone,
All alone,
Alone.

School is an extremely horrible place. I use to love it, I really did. But really, once you realize how lousy your old friends are, the ones you've been friends with all through high school you really do have no one else. Everyone else has all their tight friendships, you've liked everyone that's possible to like and you feel stuck.
You can't move forward and you don't want to move backwards.
Don't want to be stuck with the same old friends, the ones who've treated you like your nothing.
Can't move forward, can't seem to squeeze into another group, everywhere is full.
So what do you do?
Sit alone.
Sometimes your old friends sit with you.
But you can't tell them why you don't want to be with them anymore.
You still don't want to hurt them even though they've hurt you.
You can't tell them that you've been crying, alone at home because no one is there.
No calls.
No Texts.
No invitations.
Only cancelations.